The Apartment
In 1959, United Artists release Some Like It Hot. The comedy is an immediate box office success and a critical hit. Never one to rest on his laurels, writer/director Billy Wilder gets straight to work on his next project: The Apartment. The following is an exchange of faxes between Wilder and UA co-chairman Robert Benjamin.
FROM: Billy Wilder TO: Robert Benjamin
My dearest Robert, I do hope this finds you in the best of health and happiness. I’m sure you will be just as thrilled as I am with the reception Some Like It Hot has received, and even more thrilled with the gate receipts! I know you boys told me to take it easy, but I’ll be darned if the muse hasn’t struck me again - I’ve a new idea for a picture. It’s funny, sad, and just a little racy - I think we have a hit, if I do say so myself!
Picture this: we’ve got a young schmuck in a gargantuan office, trying to climb up the slippery corporate ladder. He stumbles upon an ingenious shortcut to success: you see, he happens to live just a few blocks away, and he begins lending his key to the company’s big cheeses so they can “entertain” lady friends without their wives becoming any the wiser.
The plan works, and before long he finds himself on the way up, but of course, all of this plays on his soul something fierce. He’s also not exactly too keen on washing cum out of his bedsheets each and every night. Oh, and the office top dog is schtupping the girl he loves.
So, what do you think? Just give me the world and Izzy and I will get cooking on a screenplay!
Yours always,
Billy
FROM: Robert Benjamin TO: Billy Wilder
Well, Billy, you just don’t stop, do you? Any other director in Hollywood, he’d be riding the gravy train to the Riviera and kicking back. Instead, I come into the office Monday morning to find brand new work. While I feel for your poor wife, I’m not complaining!
I’ve had a chance to read your proposal, and as far as the premise goes, we love it. You know UA is all about pushing the boat out, and it’s just this kind of edgy stuff that makes you one of our prize assets.
Just one little quibble on my end - I believe you mentioned a scene in which the hero washes various men’s cum out of his bedsheets? You know I’m no prude, Billy, but I can’t help thinking the censors are going to balk at that one (and I’m not sure our audiences would be too keen either).
That aside, as I say, it’s dynamite once again, my friend. Just that tiny matter to tweak and we’re off to the races.
Looking forward to your thoughts,
Robert
FROM: Billy Wilder TO: Robert Benjamin
Robert - fantastic to hear you like the idea and I love your description of the “head versus heart” of it all - that’s exactly what I’m shooting for. You know I hold you in the highest regard as a man of ideas - even if you are a studio exec! But I must ask that you reconsider the scenes in which our guy washes his boss’ cum out of his bedsheets.
I mean, can you imagine how frustrating that would be? You work a hard day at the office, trying to stand out in this crazy cutthroat environment. Your shift finishes, but you can’t even go home because Kirkeby from sales has booked out your apartment to screw some little cocktail waitress. Finally he’s done, you get inside, flop onto your bed and find yourself in a puddle of a senior colleague’s cum! Doesn’t that sum it all up? The bosses get to have all the fun, you do all the clean up. And you can bet they’ll be shooting off indiscriminately, too, they won’t be cumming into a tissue or laying a towel down or even taking a wet napkin to the puddle (of cum). What do they care - it’s not their bed!
Let’s remember this is the kid’s first job after eight hard hours' work. Before he can sit down in front of the tube or mix a drink or even kick off his shoes, he’s got to strip the bed, lug the sheets down to the laundry room to get rid of the cum, then remake his bed in the knowledge he’ll get one night on those sheets before he’s down in the laundry room again to soak another load.
I hope that clears things up, and love to Jean.
Billy
FROM: Robert Benjamin TO: Billy Wilder
Billy, I’ve told you plenty of times what I love about you is your commitment to your vision. It’s an incredible attribute in our business especially, and I want to commend you once again for having such unshakable belief in your ideas. But this cum thing - you’re going to have to drop it, buddy. It’s not going to happen. We’re ready to sign a contract for this one - we like Jack Lemmon for the lead - just so long as we can agree to the tiny change as discussed.
Looking forward to getting started,
Robert
FROM: Billy Wilder TO: Robert Benjamin
Robert, I’d be doing myself and the project a disservice if I didn’t ask you one more time to reconsider. The way I see it, the cum stains on his sheets are a metaphor for the stains on his soul (as well as an entirely literal reality). Sure, it may seem you just strip ‘em off and chuck ‘em in the machine with some washing powder, and our man thinks he can cover it all up with material goods, money, status.
But over time, the cum seeps through the sheets and into the mattress itself, and that’s not so easy to clear up. I hope you’ll agree that, beside the comedic possibilities, the metaphorical heft of seeing Jack Lemmon (who I adore - perfect!) scrub cum out of his sheets over and over and over again is just too good to lose.
Sincerely,
Billy
FROM: Robert Benjamin To: Billy Wilder
Billy - I appreciate your passion and I think I understand where you’re coming from. Unfortunately, this is a deal breaker. One reference to cum splattered sheets or washing out cum or really anything in that sphere and the film isn’t going to get a release. And I infer from your passion that your script would contain more than just one reference to the above.
You know I hate to tell my creatives what they can and can’t do, but as far as this studio goes, unless the cum business is nixed, it just ain’t happening.
Hope you understand,
Robert
FROM: Billy Wilder TO: Robert Benjamin
My friend Robert - I know you’re a man of integrity and a man of the arts. That letter can’t have been easy to write, and I appreciate the corner you’re in and your candor. So, let’s compromise. I’ll ensure there’s not a single solitary mention of cum in my script, if we can agree that our hero - who I’ve named C.C. Baxter - is returning home to his apartment each and every night of the week and having to cleanse his bedsheets of the carelessly spilled cum of one of his superiors.
Do we have a deal?
Billy
FROM: Robert Benjamin TO: Billy Wilder
Sure, Bill, why not?
Robert
Billy Wilder’s The Apartment was released to immense acclaim in 1960, winning Best Picture at the Academy Awards, and remains an ageless classic to this day.
Even though it’s not mentioned in the text, it can safely be assumed that C.C. Baxter (Jack Lemon) was cleansing sheets stained with his boss’ cum on a near-daily basis.
Billy Wilder 1906 - 2002
