Network PPV Reviews #002: Royal Rumble 2012
Combing through the WWE Network one Pay Per View at a time
29/01/2012 - The Royal Rumble comes live from the Scottrade Center in St Louis, Missouri. The opening package hypes the combatants in the eponymous event. Randy Orton, Wade Barrett, Cody Rhodes, The Miz, and Kofi Kingston are given the spotlight. In 2012, only one of those (Orton) is a bonafide headliner - this is, indeed, a harbinger of things to come in terms of roster lightness.
At this time I’d have lost interest in wrestling again, having briefly gotten back on board after CM Punk’s pipebomb promo. I think he’s in the midst of his really long run with the WWE Championship at this point, which was a quantity over quality job, to his chagrin. A crap song by Switchfoot called “Dark Horses” opens things up - this may be a nod to the fact the company’s not exactly laden with stars.
Michael Cole, Booker T, and Jerry “The King” Lawler are the commentary team. That’s not a combo I’m at all fond of. Cole tells us it’s the Rumble’s 25th anniversary. It’s actually the 25th Rumble; this is a distinction WWE has consistently struggled with.
World Heavyweight Championship Steel Cage Match: Daniel Bryan(c) vs Mark Henry vs Big Show
The cage descends as Daniel Bryan comes out doing the Yes chants at half speed. He’s maybe half a year from really getting this over. Michael Cole runs him down as a geek - it’s such a strange thing to do to your champion. He heels it up effectively but he’s pretty over, especially with the vocal male internet wrestling contingent.
Great shot of Mark Henry from the back, a low angle making him look colossal and menacing. Then he just walks in and glares a bit. He jaws at Bryan, who covetously takes his belt back from the referee. Big Show comes in to a decent pop. There’s some daft angle where Show accidentally ran into AJ Lee, Bryan’s on screen girlfriend. He feels just rotten about it. It undermines his status as a monster a bit. He’s wearing that weird little beanie he wore for a while. Lawler says Big Show’s in the “world’s worst mood” as Show has a nice interaction with some little kids and gives one of them his hat.
Bryan scarpers for the cage wall as soon as the bell rings but is caught. He tries this a few times as Show and Henry are distracted by slowly hitting each other. The champ manages to down both of the big lads and lays in what would eventually be called the Yes kicks. Bryan is caught by Henry mid-escape, who stuffs Bryan between the ropes and the cell, then uses the ropes to twang him into the steel, which I don’t think I’ve seen before. Fun!
Big Show hits a surprisingly high kick on Henry then goes back to thumping Bryan, who sells his socks off for the giant. Show is drenched in sweat by this point, though he’s not done an awful lot. The commentators continue to bizarrely degenerate Bryan. Booker says he’s never been a world champion before (which isn’t correct) and that he’s probably never had a girlfriend before. Cole just parrots this for some reason. None of it really gels together - Bryan’s booked as a crafty technician, not a geek or even a coward, really.
Big Show calls for the chokeslam, Bryan kicks his way out of it and hits a tornado DDT. “I’ve never seen anything like that,” says King. Mark Henry breaks up a submission and grabs Bryan for a slam. Big Show hits Henry with the knock out punch, which Henry to his credit sells brilliantly. Bryan goes for another escape. Big Show catches him - he’s doing pretty good face work at this point. Bryan dangles from Show’s arm for a bit, then drops to the floor for the win.
Verdict: Bryan does 90% of the work in this match but it’s not without its charm. While it’s hard to take Big Show seriously as a contender in 2012, it doesn’t overstay its welcome and keeps moving more than you might expect. **½
Bryan does the Yes chant a bit more as we see Big Show looking mournful. OK.
A package for Cena vs Rock 1 at WrestleMania XXVIII. The theme seems to be that, whether you love or hate Cena, you just must respect him because he’s not a phoney, or some such. It’s all a bit disjointed. They go heavy on the military vets and children, i.e. Cena’s two key demographics. He’s sat on the back of a car going down the street waving to folk like JFK. His dad appears for a bit. Cena’s a really weird bloke.
Eight diva tag team bout - Beth Phoenix, The Bella Twins & Natalya vs Tamina, Alicia Fox, Kelly Kelly & Eve Torres
“When God made the Bella twins he was just showing off” says Lawler as the first team enters. He cackles with Booker. Coles is formally excluded from this chat. The other two seem to be competing to be the most gross. It’s 2012 so you’ve probably got three more years of this to look forward to.
To be fair to Booker, he actually starts calling the match once it starts. Nepo babies Natalya and Tamina lock up and Booker puts over the latter’s power. Natalya tags in Phoenix who is the Daniel Bryan of this match, i.e. doing most of the work. Eve comes in and goes for a splash but Beth gets her knees up. It’s notable that Beth’s team has much more coordinated gear than the other, which suggests they’ll probably win. A Bella is tagged in, as is Alicia Fox. The twins do a switcheroo but no one really sells it. It’s possible everyone actually missed it - presumably the heel team should be visually protesting and making a scene.
“You know what impresses me about these females, they’re tough as well as beautiful” says Booker. Kelly Kelly gets a big pop as she comes in. They do that annoying headscissors spot where the recipient spins round for absolutely ages. The match breaks down on the outside, allowing Kelly to leap from the top onto everyone. I hate that spot but this is actually quite well done - it’s not super obviously orchestrated and she gets into position nice and fast. Beth aggressively tags in and hits the Glam Slam on KK for the win.
Verdict: it’s given precious little time but everyone gets their stuff in, there’s a bit of story progression with tension between Beth and a Bella, and Beth gets to shine. **
A video package for the next match. Oh great, it’s John Cena vs Kane. The Big Red Monster had been menacing Zack Ryder, who was being punished for getting himself over via the internet. Ryder gets chokeslammed through the door. He’s Cena’s mate for the purposes of this angle. Eve Torres is his girlfriend - I’m almost certain Cena ends up getting off with her.
Eve wheels Zack into the arena. They’re met by John Laurinaitis, who has some exec role on and (I think) off screen at this time. He was all over television despite being the single least charismatic man ever to appear on the air. (It should be noted, of course, that he’s heavily implicated in current legal issues.) “Zack, welcome to the Royal Rumble event!” he says, stiffly. He directs Zack to his own private dressing room which is so clearly just some set walls. Johnny tells Zack the room is stocked with “all your favourite foods”. Zack says “woo woo woo, you know it.” It’s one of the single most embarrassing chunks of wrestling-related content I’ve ever seen - and that’s saying something!
John Cena vs Kane
Cena enters to big boos. He pretends he has guns and blows them like a cowboy. “People are interested in him” says Cole, who goes on to detail that he has 10 million fans on Facebook - more than the Dali Lama! Cena’s fantastic at reacting to a crowd. He pretends he can’t hear the boos to wind them up further. The story here is that Kane is trying to get Cena to “embrace hate”. It’s meaningless stuff. Kane’s pyro goes off but his music doesn’t come on for a bit so he’s stood in the entranceway like a big red lemon. He’s wearing that weird welder’s mask. It’s not a bad visual.
Kane stops an early flurry from Cena to slow down the match, which will be a recurring theme. In fairness the crowd is by miles the loudest it’s been so far. Outside the ring Cena chucks Kane into the ring steps for a surprisingly athletic bump. In the ring Cena can’t hoist Kane for the Attitude Adjustment because Kane is big. I’d like to see a graph of Cena’s fluctuating strength for story purposes. Kane stomps Cena in the corner for a while before slapping on a chinlock. Cena powers out for a punch exchange and boo/yeahs. Then they just repeat this in full. It’s getting slower and slower. Meanwhile all the commentators can talk about is John Laurianitis.
Cena builds a bit of momentum but it’s for nought. Kane shrugs off a bulldog, then Cena runs into a clothesline. I’m always obsessed with Cena’s five sweatbands - it’s such an outrageous cash grab for parents of kids who want to complete the look. Cena tries to lock on his terrible STF but Kane powers out and hits a clothesline from the top which Cena engineers his way into quite well. John starts his five moves of doom sequence but Kane catches him by the throat and perches him on the top rope. The “let’s go Cena” contingent is picking up in volume. Cena knocks Kane off the ropes and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle from the top, but Kane powers out of the AA again. Cena is booted out of the ring. The two fight up the ramp for a while. There’s a double countout. Fucking hell.
Verdict: a deadly dull match based on a rubbish story with a non-finish. Get lost. *
The two brawl to the back. Cena rallies and chucks Kane into a few bins. There’s an empty box of plastic spoons and a paper towels wrapper (Bounty brand). Kane hits Cena with a chair. He notices that they’re right by Zack Ryder’s daft little dressing room. Kane bursts in - Ryder defends himself with kicks (so why’s he in a wheelchair?). His favourite foods are in shot to be fair so that’s good attention to detail.
Kane wheels Zack around a bit - we see some backstage crew just milling about. He wheels Ryder into the arena. They’ve completely lost the crowd. Eve Torres comes out to beg Kane not to hurt her man. Kane delivers a very nice safe Tombstone. Yay, Cena’s back. He can’t lift Kane because his spine hurts. Kane chokeslams him then does his wicked ring exit where he flips backwards over the ropes. They play Kane’s music which seems like a tacit approval of this behaviour. The commentary team leaves trailing gaps of dead air but what can you say. It’s awful stuff, this. Another stretcher job for Zack Ryder, one of the wrestlers whose post-WWE career has been most starkly better than his time with the fed.
Now we get a Rock video like the Cena one earlier. It opens with The Rock telling us how great his life is. No shit. He types out an inspirational tweet on a really small laptop. The Rock’s a weird bloke too. We get some testimonials from the stunt director on the film Snitch (me neither) and Vanessa Hudgens. He does a Polynesian dance. He speaks at his alma mater. He sits at his grandparents’ grave. That was nonsense.
Drew McIntyre vs Brodus Clay
Oh dear. Drew McIntyre will become great but he’s being used poorly here. Broadus Clay will become even more embarrassing, not to mention a generally shit bloke. He does come to the ring to “Somebody Call My Momma”, a great theme, and the Funkadacyls, Naomi and Cameron. The ladies do a sexy move as they get into the ring. Cole shouts “oh yeah!” in a brazen attempt to get in with the horny boys, but they ignore him. Clay does his dance. It’s not unfun, it’s just a shame this gimmick is in the hands of such a shitpile. “Disgrace! An absolute disgrace!” Drew yells.
There’s a halfhearted Funksaurus chant. Broadus’ logo is a Jurassic Park pastiche, it actually looks great. Drew lays in some hopefully stiff offence but Broadus shrugs it off. He jiggles around while Booker unfortunately mutters some stuff about jello and Bill Cosby. A Broadus Clay crossbody ends it in about a minute.
Verdict: There seems to be some losing streak story for Drew. Has that ever worked? Awful match which lost the crowd immediately. Poor old Drew. DUD
They do another dance after but no one really cares anymore.
A package for Punk vs Ziggler. Amazingly this has John Laurianitis as a central character too. Why?! He’s got a properly wrecked voice which is fun. The set up sees Punk slag Johnny Ace off, and the exec then doing everything in his power to strip the champ of his belt. Ziggler wins a gauntlet match for this shot after Laurianitis distracts Punk. The two are easily capable of a great match but everything has to revolve around John, who has a performance review coming up on Monday and accordingly has to do things by the book instead of sabotaging Punk. Is it smart to base a story around workplace admin? Let’s find out!
WWE Championship - CM Punk(c) vs Dolph Ziggler (guest referee John Laurinaitis)
Laurinaitis enters to no music or reaction. He announces that he’ll officiate from outside the ring, with a normal ref doing the normal job in the ring. So what’s the point of all this. Ziggler enters with Vickie Guerrero. It’s a fairly tepid response, probably because he’s third wheel in his own title match. CM Punk chants start up as he enters to “Cult Of Personality”. As difficult a bloke as he clearly is, it’s no surprise people still love him. His aura is unique. Laurinaitis sends Vicki to the back. She goes off screaming as per. It’s good fun.
Early grappling and quick counters early on. Ziggler floors Punk and does the Ric Flair strut. Both look like they’re having a good time. Punk catches Ziggler in an abdominal stretch, hits some elbows and steals his taunt. Punk dumps Ziggler on a rope from an apron suplex. “That was dangerous” remonstrates Lawler, who did about three moves in his entire career. Punk hits a suicide dive and for the second time in the match really obviously calls a spot, something he had a go at Cena for. Ziggler then catches Punk up top and drops him on the rope. Ziggler hits elbow drops on Punk, snapping back up and repeating it a ton of times. It looks exhausting. Ziggler then starts to go for the sleeper repeatedly; unlike the previous rest hold-centric match, the counters come super fast to keep things exciting. Punk breaks out but receives a dropkick “right on the snout”, per Booker. Laurinaitis stands outside the ring sending texts. Punk starts up his finishing sequence with the running knee and bulldog. He sets up for the GTS but Ziggler wriggles free. He slingshots Punk into the corner but Punk catches himself and springs back into a crossbody. Ziggler rolls through for a two. The pace is really picking up.
Punk shrugs off another sleeper. He hits a high kick. Booker sounds a bit bored, he says for the third time that, were it him, he’d have finished the match and gone back to the hotel by now. A Savage Elbow from Punk for a two. He goes for another GTS but clonks the ref with Ziggler’s feet. He locks in the Anaconda Vice - Ziggler taps but there’s no referee. Punk remonstrates with Laurinaitis who fiddles with the downed referee a bit. He gets a visual pinfall on Ziggler, then argues with Johnny some more. Laurinaitis gets in the ring. Punk grabs Ziggler for the GTS but this time Laurinaitis gets clonked and tumbles out of the ring. A further visual pinfall on Ziggler.
Punk goes for another GTS but Ziggler counters really nicely into a Fameasser for a two count. He goes for another but this time Punk counters with a slingshot, one more GTS, and the three count. Laurinaitis dashes into the ring to count the three along with the referee.
Verdict: the in-ring stuff was really good as you’d expect. The overbooking damages it massively. Ziggler winds up looking dreadful, the focus is all on Laurinaitis, and it slows things down big time. ***
Laurinitis hands Punk the belt and walks off. Stay tuned for his performance review tomorrow night!
Royal Rumble Match
The usual opening video running through the Royal Rumble stats. Always like this. The voice over states that the match is “unvarying in unpredictability and the epitome of excellence”. The writing is amazingly bad at this time.
Miz enters at #1. Cole goes wild for him as he used to do. Jerry and Booker mug him off. Cole can’t catch a break. Miz cuts a low energy promo about how no one believes in him etc. #2 is Alex Riley. It’s not a great start. Cena drummed this guy out of the company for some reason. He and Miz might as well be the same bloke. They stare at the sign then each other. It’s a long 90 seconds, this. The pace picks up briefly, then Miz dumps his former protegee and flashes “28” with his fingers. #3 is R-Truth, who’s a few years from his really fun phase. He’s probably 40 years old but moves really well. They don’t do a great amount. Cody comes in at #4. He’s just 11 years off winning the whole thing! He teams up temporarily with Miz on R-Truth, but when Cody finds himself near the ropes, Miz stalks him for the betrayal. Miz pulls out of it sheepishly when Cody turns around. Pretty fun stuff.
#5 is Justin Gabriel. He and Cody do some fairly fun stuff including a blue thunder bomb. They’re talented dudes but the match is already coming to a standstill. #6 is Primo, one of the tag champs. No one cares. Miz dumps out R-Truth who pulls Miz under the bottom rope for a bit of revenge. Mick Foley is #7! Alright! Seven people in, the crowd are finally into the Royal Rumble match. He eliminates Primo. He gets some licks in on Cody. He does the “bang bang!” - he’s in his Cactus Jack gear. Cole suggests Foley should shoot himself. #8 and Alberto Del Rio’s music hits, but it’s not the former winner - instead it’s his ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez in Del Rio-esque gear. He drives a crap car but swaggers and preens. The crowd loves it, as does Foley. A “Ricardo” chant starts up. Ricardo attacks Cody and allies himself with Foley as Gabriel is eliminated.
#9 - Santino Marella. He’s top but it’s been mostly comedy acts to this point. He faces off with Ricardo. Santino pulls out the cobra sock, rolls around the ring with Rodriguez, wedgies him and chucks him out. He faces off with Foley, who pulls out Mr Socko. #10 - Epico. No reaction. Epico eats the cobra and the mandible claw. He’s gone. Back to the sock puppet fight until it’s broken up by Miz and Cody. The two comedy guys are dumped out. #11 is Kofi Kingston who’s organically popular but with precious little to do. Nothing happens for a while and Jerry Lawler enters at #12, standing up from the commentary desk. You can see just how thin the roster is at this point. He throws a few dropkicks, does his punch from the top rope, and Cody chucks him out. #13 is Ezekiel Jackson. Again, no one cares. There hasn’t been a bonafide star yet in this match. He hits clotheslines and body slams on everyone.
#14 is Jinder Mahal, who I didn’t know was around at this point. Cole introduces him as “the Sikh Punjabi”, though he hasn’t mentioned anyone else’s religion or ethnicity. No pop but a halfhearted “USA” chant directed at Jinder. Then The Great Khali enters at #15. He gets a good pop, so the fans are happy to weaponize racism against wrestlers they don’t like but aren’t necessarily racist per se, for the record. He eliminates Jackson. #16 is Hunico, on the back of a lowrider bicycle. Again no one cares. He’s tagging everyone but still no one cares. We get some tussling in the corner to slow things down a bit.
#17 is Booker T. It’s a fun idea but does it ever expose a weak roster. Jerry and Cole are shocked but when Booker stands up you can see he’s in his trunks instead of suit pants. He gets the crowd behind him as he tangles with Khali then Cody, with whom he has some ongoing beef. Kofi’s chucked over the top rope but lands on his hands! He walks on his hands to the steps - it’s fantastic stuff and the crowd rightly go mad for it. This kind of stuff gave Kofi a purpose for a while when he wasn’t doing much else, though his Rumble escapes had diminishing returns.
#18 is Dolph Ziggler, fair play after a hard worked match. Everyone goes back to their corners to not do very much. #19 is Hacksaw Jim Duggan. The crowd goes wild. We see some dad absolutely buzzing. He knocks folk around a bit and Cody soon gets rid. Booker and Khali soon follow to the floor. #19 is Michael Cole, which of course it is after all the other shit. He hams it up nicely. He has a soul patch. He runs around the ring a bit; the novelty quickly runs out. #21 is Kharma. I think she’d been teased in vignettes but this is her big debut. She’d have an absolutely awful time in WWE. She clobbers Michael Cole and threatens him onto the apron. Booker and Lawler pull him to the floor. Why? Why not let Kharma eliminate him? Ziggler tells her to get out of the ring. She hits him with the Implant Buster and dumps Hunico. Ziggler chucks her out to boos.
Sheamus at #22. A big pop, finally someone who actually feels like a star. He knocks everyone around, a big back body drop on Cody. He dumps Kofi and hits his 10 beats on Cody then The Miz. #23 is Road Dogg. Legends are an important part of any Rumble but that’s five out of 30 in that category now. He does his punching routine. As a kid I really liked Road Dogg, though I’m not exactly sure why. #24 - Jey Uso, before the Usos got their gimmick squared away. “Road Dogg” chants just about linger. Not a lot happens before the #25 entry, Jack Swagger. He runs around a bit. I’ve never taken to him. Lawler has a pop at Cole for being eliminated by a woman. #26 is Wade Barret in a funny long coat. He’s kind of between gimmicks having been done dirty by John Cena the year before. He’s enormous, he towers over almost everyone. He chucks Road Dogg, who takes a pretty great bump.
#27, David Otunga, no reaction once again. Most Rumbles will have a spot where someone really clears house but there’s been none of that here. There’s no flow to this match, no phases like most great Rumbles have. #28 is Randy Orton, hometown hero. The place goes mad. He hits his fantastic snap powerslam on Sheamus and the draping DDT on Ziggler and Rhodes at the same time. He’s at peak handsomeness. He bungs Jey and Wade out. #29 is Chris Jericho, back from a hiatus (Fozzy related, I’d imagine). It seems really bizarre to have easily the two biggest stars one after another. “This is an amazing Royal Rumble” lies Lawler. There’s more tussling against the ropes.
Finally, #30 - Big Show. Fucking hell. We’ve seen him already! He pulls Swagger out of the ring before he even gets in and knocks him out with his daffy punch, which does look really good. He headbutts and chops everyone slowly then eliminates Cody and Miz. That’s such odd booking. Why not have Miz get to the final four? It seemed the logical thing to do. Who cares. Our final four: Sheamus, Jericho, Orton, Show. Surprisingly Jericho about edges it on crowd reaction, even in St Louis. They team up on Big Show but he flings off the smaller men until he takes an RKO and Orton dunks him out. Soon Randy’s chucked by Jericho. The fans don’t really mind.
The match is really saved by this final stretch. There’s a ton of false finishes from the off, Jericho getting caught in a bulldog and nearly chucked, then slipping out of the Celtic Cross and thinking he’s won the match. They fight on the top rope with Jericho teasing suplexing Sheamus to the floor. Sheamus takes a Codebreaker and teeters on the edge. Jericho slaps him, enraging the Irishman who goes for the Brogue Kick, misses it but hurls Jericho onto the apron. Jericho stands up into another kick. Sheamus wins the 2012 Royal Rumble to a good response.
Verdict: there’s not much you can do when the roster is evidently running on fumes but that is not a good Rumble. So many comedy characters (but precious little actually good comedy) and legends spots. The commentators entering is funny in theory but they do nothing with it. Spacing out your big names - Sheamus, Jericho, Orton - would seem to be an easy fix. The final two’s mini match is excellent, mind. **
Final thoughts: it’s not a good show by any means and it always hurts to watch a bad Rumble. There’s really nothing worth going out of your way to watch, but Punk/Ziggler impress despite obvious Laurinaitis-shaped issues and Daniel Bryan’s fun. C-.
